Cover letter

Dear Recruiter,

I have read your ad for a position within your wonderful company. I think I fit the profile you are looking for perfectly. Here is why:

Proven management experience

I have been successfully making my employees follow stupid orders and directives for 20 years. I have never believed in the values and strategy of the companies I have worked for, but I have always managed to put on a show in front of my colleagues. I think they thought the same, but most of them also turned out to be very good actors.

Excellent computer skills

I am a master of Facebook, Instagram and Pornhub. I am also a pro at illegal downloading and data hacking.

Flexible hours

I can very easily adapt my hours of presence at the workplace, for example by coming later in the morning and leaving very early in the afternoon. I can even not work at all, which will save you a workplace.

Ability to work independently and resistance to stress

Autonomy is my main quality. I work better without directives, orders and a boss. Well, there is a good chance that I won't do a thing, but that's good since you are also looking for a personality that can withstand stress. That's my second strong point.

Good team spirit and communication skills

I love team activities, like pétanque and aperitifs. I'm a bit shy by nature, but as soon as I'm drunk, everyone can hear me.

Very good writing skills

I have always been very careful to correct the errors that are reported to me by my spell checker. When it becomes too complicated to write, I am also very good at copying and pasting from the Internet.

Organizational skills

My cellar is a good example of my organizational skills. The wine bottles are systematically sorted by grape variety and vintage. Unfortunately, they never last very long.

Motivated

Motivation is not what I lack. I have many passions and I always invest myself fully in them. As a result, I no longer have much time to work.

If you still have questions, don't bother calling me for an interview. As I said, I have other more important things to do.

I wish you much pleasure in your work.